Giant Virus Revived and Zombie Apocalypse Imminent [Satire]

giant virus

Leading scientists have uncovered an ancient, 30,000 year old ‘giant virus’ in the Siberian permafrost, which could be infectious and news agencies around the world will all soon be warning of the imminent threat of a zombie apocalypse taking place. According to the scientists who made the discovery, the ancient virus (called ‘giant’ for its ability to be seen under a microscope) had not infected anything in 30,000 years, but it has now sprung back to life in the laboratory.

“The fact that this giant virus has revived itself and returned to life after 30,000 years of inactivity, is in my opinion, solid evidence that what we have discovered is actually the beginning of what could be an imminent zombie apocalypse,” warns one of the scientists who made the initial discovery. “It might have had different effects before, but it has clearly mutated now and we need to start taking precautions. For all we know, we are already infected.”

Initial findings suggested that the giant virus, which is called Pithovirus sibericum can only infect amoebas and humans are actually quite safe from its potential threats. If this is the case, then why are there worries about an imminent zombie apocalypse happening? “Well of course that is what we were going to say,” confided researchers in a private interview with the Guardian Liberty Voice. “We do not want there to be mass panic before the outbreak. Wait, you are not going to publish this, are you?”

giant virus
A picture of the zombie proof house that was constructed with the upcoming apocalypse in mind.

While the threats of the zombie apocalypse are terrifying for many, some individuals have already been taking precautions and feel like they are going to do quite well for themselves when the dead soon roam the Earth. One man has already constructed his very own zombie-proof house and has been taking crossbow lessons, so he feels that he will be prepared. “I have watched every single episode of The Walking Dead and was born for this,” he confessed in an interview.

Indeed, this new giant virus comes at an opportune time when the world already eagerly anticipates every Sunday night to catch the next episode of their favorite AMC television series. After each episode of The Walking Dead airs, there is a one-hour segment called Talking Dead that is hosted by Chris Hardwick.

zombie apocalypse
Will Chris Hardwick become humanity’s leader and savior during the zombie apocalypse?

Throughout each of these talk shows, Hardwick has constantly promoted a small segment devoted entirely to “zombie apocalypse survival tips.” Leading up to these clips, Hardwick has always commented words to the effect of, “You can use these survival tips in the zombie apocalypse, which will obviously happen.”

This leads to the question, with the zombie apocalypse now being imminent thanks to the revival of this giant virus from Siberia, where and how did Hardwick receive his insider information? And with doom approaching for all in the near future, will Hardwick rise to the occasion and become a veritable leader for what remains of humanity in the zombie apocalypse? Time will tell as the final days approach and until then, now would be a good time to learn how to fight with a sword and how to build a campfire using sticks. These are skills that will prove to be very useful in the dangerous days that lie ahead.

Satire by Jonathan Holowka

National Geographic
BBC News
Talking Dead

20 Responses to "Giant Virus Revived and Zombie Apocalypse Imminent [Satire]"

  1. michael ian whittlesey   October 5, 2015 at 9:13 am

    why do people waste time out of their lives making fake websites?

  2. Kevin Bond (@Cancerkiller543)   March 1, 2015 at 8:29 am

    There already is a real threat of zombie virus to alter the human DNA – In fact the Ebola outbreak is a hoax to trick you into getting a viral nanobot laced vaccine that will destroy you – But I got the deadly weapon to instantly destroy that viral zombie nanobot spread by vaccines – The hatched zombie apocalypse can be totally frustrated – My discovery can save the world from the zombie apocalypse and keep everybody absolutely healthy all the time – I got my WVCD – The Weapon of Virus and Cancer Destruction – Just an exercise for a minute a day – The cure and prevention of any diseases, known on Earth for more than 2 million years – Infections, Cancers, Diabetes, MS and Strokes – Even Tibetans and Yoga don’t know how to stay absolutely healthy all the time – The price of the WVCD for the whole world is 5 billion EURO (can be paid to me by the governments of all countries in the world) – Only my WVCD can destroy the T4 Bacteriophage viral nanobot spread by vaccines, hatched to cause global zombie apocalypse and wipe out billions of humans, the moment it gets into our blood stream and save the whole world – Just google “T4 Bacteriophage nanobot” to get all the info regarding this Israeli race warfare ethno-bomb.

    • michael ian whittlesey   October 5, 2015 at 9:11 am

      wow… i can exercise for an hour a day and and I could still be infected now matter how healthy you are….it just makes you a stronger host…a stronger, harder to kill opponent if you were ever infected

  3. Danny Garcia   October 16, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Is it gamma happen?

  4. FaTez28   September 14, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    lol get shot 6 times and still eat a mans face and i’ll call you a zombie idc,the ”zombies” wont be like any movie or game you’ve ever seen or will be a man made parasite or virus strain that are own government will use for was a test.the real ”zombies” will be the worse thing to ever happen read the thing is true though you can’t die twice..

  5. chris   July 20, 2014 at 4:14 am

    I also forgotten to say: since the last of us came out we wondered: what is cordyceps? The creators of the last of us used an really existing virus. But in reality its not a long time ago since scientists have discovered this Ant-virus and they believe that this bug-virus is only in its beginning stage. I say: i don’t believe a ZA will ever come. I wanna see first proof that it exists and yet nobody ever seen A REAL ZOMBIE before

  6. chris   July 20, 2014 at 4:03 am

    That’s why the zombie apocalypse will never come. We have watched and played so many zombie movies/games that in reality, humanity is extra coutious so we won’t make the same mestake… we all don’t want that a zombie apocalypse gonna happen, like Brady00010 said zombies might not be what we think they are. I personally thinks that a ZO will nevet happen. Sure there have been some attacks like in miami…. everyone knows the tale. But that was just cannibalism… it wasn’t virus because we would be infected right now.

  7. brady00010   July 16, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    If we know how to kill zombies then we’ll Live through it. But what if we don’t? What if the brain isn’t Where we aim? What if the inly way to kill them is to dismember them and burn them, and at that will it be an airborn virus only to be magnified every time one is killed spraying fluids out? We can’t be fully prepared for anything we just have to be as best prepared as we can be.

  8. Deadgirl676   July 11, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I mean I wanna If its really gonna happen.. cause if it is gonna happen I can at least keep a lookout nd be careful. I’m 13 nd I bet I know a lot of stuff bout zombies nd how to kill them already for just a girl being 13 but if anyone I mean anyone has any information bout it say something

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