Bradley Cooper to Play ‘Indiana Jones’, Harrison Ford Unaware (Satire)

Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper is set to play Indiana Jones in the new Disney remake, Harrison Ford is unaware of the fact. Cooper will be taking the reins over from Harrison Ford, who has played the iconic and beloved character for over 30-years. When Ford was asked about Copper taking over for him he simply said, “who the damn is Brad Cooper?.” Disney, being the kid friendly corporation they are known to be, were deadly terrified of the formidable actor, and have not yet told him that he will be replaced as Indiana Jones by Cooper.

The issue with Ford is that he does know a remake is happening, and the 71-year-old actor still believes that he will be once again be reprising his role as Indy. This makes things rather awkward on set when Bradley is there dressed up as Indiana Jones and so is Ford as well, seems Disney went as far as to give Ford his own trailer on the set and even make-up and costume people due to not knowing how to break the news to the aging actor. When Ford first saw Cooper in the Indiana Jones outfit he just figured Cooper was a stunt double, and Ford was angered because he felt they needed a more handsome stunt double to use for his likeness.

At one point in shooting the Film, Ford came in dressed as Han Solo in confusion. Again Disney was too timid to correct Ford and called J.J Abrams to quickly shoot some scenes for the new Star Wars trilogy to not further confuse the actor. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I close my eyes and he’s there” says Bradley Cooper about Ford. Cooper professed his anger towards Disney, but just like Disney, Cooper was too afraid of Ford to actually do anything about it himself. For some scenes they fake it as if they are filming Ford, but the cameras are not rolling. For a while they would only shoot real scenes while Ford was either sleeping or in the bathroom. In the first read through of the script Cooper had to listen in from another room as Ford read along the script with the other actors in what may have been the weirdest read through of all time.

Bradley Cooper was at first excited to play Indiana Jones, but with Ford being unaware of it all, it just made the dream come through for Cooper into a hellish nightmare. Cooper thought of just quitting, but unfortunately signed a 47 picture (yes, that means 47 freaking movies) deal with Disney to play the character. Bradley Cooper was contemplating escaping to Mexico to change his name to Juan De La Vega Lopez De La Santa Maria De Juarez Cruz De Santo Domingo Martinez, a common Mexican name he learned from his gardener.

Bradley Cooper
Harrison Ford on break from the set.

As Bradley Cooper was applying sun lotion and packing his bags for Mexico, he saw something that changed his life forever. On TV was an episode of the hit comedy It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Charlie is wearing his green-man body suit. Cooper quickly drove to the set and sat down with the Disney producers as he had come up with a solution to all their problems.

Cooper showed them the idea, and Disney loved it. They went to Ford, who was at first confused with the idea, not understanding why they were asking him to wear a full head-to-toe green spandex suit to film the movie. “You want to cover up this here face” said the actor to Disney, they then explained that this is how all movies are filmed now, it’s how George Clooney and Sandra Bullock filmed their scenes for Gravity. Ford agreed, from then on anytime he was on set he was in his full green spandex suit, and now all scenes with him would just be easily edited out as if he were never there. Bradley Cooper was now again excited to play Indiana Jones even though Harrison Ford was unaware of it all, things on the set got better and Disney is set to release the film in the summer of 2017. How they will break the news to Ford then is anyone’s guess.

Satire by Miguel A. Tamayo


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