A new disease known as Benghazi Syndrome has struck key members of the Republican party and the CDC has issued a warning about the affliction, which they call “deeply troubling.” Benghazi Syndrome is a devastating medical condition in which the victim can’t stop talking about, thinking about, or dreaming about Benghazi. In severe cases, the person is unable to say any other words except “Benghazi.” The disease is sweeping through the Republican Party and has crippled many. Some victims are unable to work, although the CDC is not concerned with that side effect, because the victims’ total non-working hours have remained exactly the same.
Benghazi Syndrome often appears in tandem with another disease called Deflectivitis in which the sufferer is unable to concentrate on anything of importance to the American people. While both Democrats and Republicans suffer in equal numbers from Deflectivitis, leaders in the Democratic party have developed an immunity to Benghazi Syndrome. The exact mechanism of this immunity remains unknown, but medical professionals think it might be caused by Democrats’ intense focus on feeding their constituents what they want to hear while at the same time, not showing up for key votes. CDC spokeswoman Radi Kulous explains: “It seems the Democrats have avoided Benghazi Syndrome via a combination of taking a lot of time off and diversifying their talking points to such a degree that no real action is ever taken on anything that would make anyone’s life better in any way. It’s this one-two punch that builds the immune system to fight Benghazi Syndrome.”
The CDC is particularly worried about the uncontrolled spread of Benghazi Syndrome to the general public. The disease is transmitted through close personal contact and Facebook, although some cases have cropped up in victims immediately after they watched Fox News. At this time, there is no cure, and if left untreated, the disease can spiral completely out of control, robbing victims of their ability to function normally. Drooling, shuffling, confusion and a dazed expression are also common in advanced cases. Kulous says that the advanced symptoms are perplexing to doctors because they mimic the normal behavior of most representatives in Congress. “It can be difficult to tell if someone is afflicted with Benghazi Syndrome,” says Kulous, “or if the person is just a regular legislator.”
All hope is not lost, however, and members of the public can avoid Benghazi Syndrome by taking some key steps. Turning away from social media is the first and most important action in avoiding the disease, as well as frequent hand washing after coming into close contact with a Republican. If exposed to a Congressperson, or worse, proceed immediately to the library. There, an exposed person can find information of actual importance. Avoid all newspapers, though. Those things are chock full of propaganda.
While the CDC points out that there is no net difference in anyone’s life due to Republicans being unable to talk about anything but Benghazi, nor will any change ever come from their repeating the same thing again and again, any new symptoms in regular citizens should be reported to their doctors immediately. “Really, the best way to avoid Benghazi Syndrome is to completely avoid contact with those afflicted,” says Kulous.”At this time, there is no hope for the Republican party, but then again, there never was to begin with.”
Satire By: Rebecca Savastio