The ‘Will and Grace’ Myth—Do Most Gay Men Secretly Hate Women?


Will and Grace Myth Do Most Gay Men Secretly Hate Women

Recently, there have been numerous essays going around social media about a very taboo topic. In fact, the subject is so sensitive that I was surprised to see the articles come floating around my Facebook feed. It’s a question that will undoubtedly create a lot of controversy, but despite its inflammatory nature, the time has finally come to ask it out loud: do most gay men secretly hate women? Is the Will and Grace-inspired social construct of gay male/straight, gay or bi female BFFs just a myth?

I started thinking about this topic about two years ago, when I complained to a family member that I had been to a drag show and that the male performer came around into the audience, snuck up behind me and, without my consent, squeezed my breast so hard it brought immediate tears to my eyes. “Well,” said my relative, who is himself a cross dresser and as such spends most of his time surrounded by gay men, “that’s because gay men secretly hate women.”

Shocked, I stared at my relative, blinked a couple of times and said “whaaaaaat?” He continued: “oh yeah. It’s a big secret that no one talks about. Gay men hate women and that whole thing they do with touching women is a way they can abuse women and work out their feelings of hatred. They get away with it because they’re gay, but really it’s a way for them to commit assault on women.”

“But that seems to run counter to how gay male/female relationships are perceived by society,” I said out loud; but it makes perfect sense with regard to how I’ve been treated over the years, I thought silently.

“Believe me,” my relative continued, “you should hear how they talk about women when only men are around. I’ve heard them so I know for a fact that they despise women and everything about females. Some of them can’t stand to be around other gay men who even act feminine.”

Stunned and confused, I said “but this can’t be true for all gay men. That’s a stereotype.” My relative replied, “no, they all hate women. All of them.”

While that particular statement is pretty damning and almost certainly impossible, the conversation set in motion wheels that haven’t stopped turning since. I began reflecting back on my own relationships with my gay male “best friends” over the years and reviewing how each relationship eventually collapsed. Comparing those relationships to ones I have and still have with my female friends, a drastic difference began to take shape.

I’d been “best friends” with at least four gay men, and casual friends with countless others. Of the four men with whom I had been “BFFs,” all of them made me cry so often with their insults, put-downs and general nastiness that I am now very relieved I have distanced myself from them for good. In contrast, the female friends I have still continue to be in my life in a deeply meaningful way, and I have never felt verbally abused or physically assaulted by any of them.

In an essay entitled The Myth of the Fag Hag and Dirty Secrets of the Gay Male Subculture author Rohin Guha asserts that gay male culture breeds misogyny partly because there are very few women around at the places where gay men congregate. Guha points out that the behaviors of assault and verbal abuse tend to flourish in gay male culture because it is reinforced by gay men who learn from each other that it is o.k., even desirable, to be misogynistic.

He says that “gay men had allowed themselves to fall into a lazy and inexcusable rut of objectifying, demeaning, and dismissing women.” That may be true, but certainly there are plenty of straight men who fall into that same rut; and while the idyllic Will and Grace BFF relationship might be more of a myth than what happens in reality most of the time, the same could be said of any TV relationship. How many people have a huge group of magical best friends that wants to hang out together all the time like on the show Friends? TV should never be looked at as a realistic model of how life works, and maybe some of the women who are disillusioned with their failed relationships with their gay male BBFs might  have been basing their expectations of the relationship on something rather unrealistic. After all, we don’t live in a post-sexist society.

There is also the question of whether certain types of people are attracted to each other as friends, period. It seems that socially awkward, insecure, unhappy gay men were historically the kind that always gravitated toward me and wanted to be my BFF. Now that I’ve learned to keep those kinds of people–of all orientations–at arm’s length, I’m much happier and more at peace.

I have several gay male friends who are kind, loving, and who would bend over backward for their female and male friends alike, so my relative was very likely wrong in saying “all” gay men hate women. Do some gay men secretly hate women? Perhaps, but it’s doubtful that their misogyny occurs in any greater proportion than it does in the straight male population. Just as some straight women should examine why they always seem to pick women-hating misogynists as romantic partners, perhaps it’s time that all women who have suffered a failed friendship with a gay man start asking themselves why they always seem to pick socially inappropriate, misogynistic, miserable gay male friends as BFFS.

American society is still very misogynistic, and there are men in both straight and gay male culture who hate women. Gay men who hate women seem to take it out most often in verbal assault while straight men tend to take it out physically. Both are very hurtful and destructive. Thus, maybe the discussion should not be “do most gay men secretly hate women?” but “how can we continue to eradicate misogyny in our culture overall as well as select healthier people with whom to have close relationships?”

By: Rebecca Savastio


The Advocate


XO Jane

18 Responses to "The ‘Will and Grace’ Myth—Do Most Gay Men Secretly Hate Women?"

  1. aquaseanotes   October 20, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    this article is very true. i am female and have noticed over the years that gay men and closeted gay men are attracted to being my friend, or rather pretending to be my friend, to get things out of me, while continuing their secret gay relationships elsewhere. i have never met a gay man who truly cares about the women in his life, aside from maybe his mother. i have had gay male friends of mine be my “friend” for years and then suddenly ditch me when I told them “no” for something they thought I “owed” them. gay men have absolutely no manners, social grace, or consideration for other human beings period. when groups of gay men hang out together they only reinforce this because they can drop the polite facade that they would otherwise use in “normal” society of using manners, having consideration for other people, etc. gay men are the most selfish type of man

    gay men do not “love” women by trying to act like women. that’s called imitation, but it’s not love. they do not love or respect actual, real women. they steal the outer looks and behaviors of women and use them as a means to attract men. otherwise, they don’t give a damn about women.

    look at the comment up above mine and see the gay man who says that gay men are smarter than straight men, because straight men are so stupid that they “allow” women to manipulate them with their vaginas. Ridiculous. as if the only intelligent man is the one who is smarter than a woman. if you don’t see how that is misogynistic, you are very lost in life.

  2. Chris   September 7, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    Where’s my post?

  3. Croquantes (@Croquantes)   August 31, 2014 at 6:50 am

    I’m gay, I don’t hate women but I’m continually dumbfounded by my fellow gays who say misogynistic things while sincerely believing them because they don’t know enough women to know better.

    I’m lucky (or cursed) because I’m highly empathetic, and I personally think that misogyny (or misandry) is the belief system of self-centered people who can’t imagine, and don’t want to imagine, how other people live.

    One of the hardest things for many people to do, is simply being open-minded and many gays, from a lifetime of oppression, find hard to accept people as they are when they’ve been rejected their whole lives.

    It’s not just women that many gays hate, many are so full of hatred from a lifetime of rejection and hatred levelled at them, that they hate EVERYONE in turn, even the men they have sex with.

    Seriously, think about it. When at least one out of three people think you’re disgusting because of the way you were born, you’re going to internalize a lot of that.

  4. bob   August 29, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    as a man who love straight macho men, I have got to add my two cents. yes….I do hate some women because they are very controlling over straight men. They use their vagina to control these poor dumb men who are addicted to sex. Gay men are smarter than straight men and cannot be manipulated by women. Women should stop using what is between their legs to control men and stop holding these poor fools hostage. straight women are also very jealous creatures. Many straight men that I have met are very unhappy with women and they also die very young and unhappy. They fool around with me because I do not try to control them and give them exactly what they want. I guess women just want to kill all men if they cannot control them. nuff said.

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