Van Halen needs a new singer

Written By: Kevin Lang

It looks like Van Halen has broken up again. Now, they won’t cop to it, but when you cancel 2 world tours that have already gone on sale… you are pretty much broken up. We can also assume Roth is the problem. Well, we can assume that Eddie will tell us Roth was the problem. It’s pretty cyclical.

In 1985, Roth was gone, Eddie told us Roth was the problem. Seemed believable.

In 1996, Hagar was gone, Eddie told us Hagar was the problem.

In 1999, Gary Cherone was gone, Eddie told us Cherone was the problem.

In 2005, Hagar was back and now gone again. You know the answer.

In 2008, Roth was back and then gone again. You know the answer.

2012 – Here we go again.

So, we can assume Eddie will tell us the singer was the problem. Then, we can assume he’ll take another ten years off. Then, he needs a singer. So, who do we get for him? We need someone pretty talented, pretty douchey, and pretty well known.

So, who can we get to sing for Van Halen?

Scott Stapp – He has a very good voice, and seems to be a narcissistic asshole. Ok, he stays in the mix.

Kid Rock – has a good voice, a great image, and is super self important. Is everyone ok with every song re-written about Detroit. Kid Rock stays in the mix.

Axl Rose – meets the asshole qualification, and is more than willing to quit a tour mid tour. Hell, mid show. Problem is, Axl is (or certainly was) an incredible singer. Frankly, too good. Man, though, think of the insane drama those two would create.

Dave Grohl – good singer. Too nice and level headed, though. Simply would walk away.

Kurt Cobain – very good singer, could reach amazing heights of awesomeness with a great guitarist. Downside- he is dead.

Billy Corgan – good singer, plenty difficult, knows great guitar work. Ok, he stays in the mix.

Micheal McDonald – Had to throw this out, because he is calling me twice a week asking if we have a gig for him. Just that you had to wiki him proves my point on that one.

Billy Joel – think of the amazing setlist between these two bands. Getting closer.

Steven Tyler – ok, we are getting closer.

The winner, then, is Kid Rock.

17 Responses to "Van Halen needs a new singer"

  1. John   November 9, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Admit it, it’s good way to get website hits and ad revenue up as a result. What a cock.

  2. Ryan   October 20, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Wow…Journalism sunk to further lows. The ‘author’ obviously doesn’t have the first clue on the subject of Van Halen. This ‘article’ is nothing more than a hot, steaming dog turd. I am offended by what the internet has done to the profession of Journalism.

  3. Fudd   October 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Ok I would LOVE to hear this dudes sources. I call total bs unless sources and articles supporting this. Otherwise I call sensational journalism. And this is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read. And yes I’m voting for Romney. Whatever the hell that means.

    • GM   October 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

      Fudd. Has Mr. Van Halen offered a Doctor’s statement up to verify his condition. Not that he has to, only it would make his statements believeable. I think that you are taking Eddie at his word, which is admirable, but independent confirmation is the only way to rebut these types of statements. Just because Eddie said it, and you believe it, well that doesn’t make it true. So the author has taken “liberty” with the overview of recent happenings with the band, and basically offered up what he would like from Van Halen, a band with a different lead singer, specifically Kid Rock. Van Halen’s music is some of the best music ever written, but until Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony return, I will not support the current lineup.

  4. Matt G   October 12, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    Wow…..possibly THE worst piece of journalism I’ve ever read. Un-informed & un-proffessional. How about the Gaurdian Express posting an apology for such an atrocious piece of writing.

  5. Tom   October 12, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Mr Lang, what is the point of this article? Seriously, firstly, some of your facts are wrong (e.g. Van Halen’s last official response is they are still together and looking forward to more recording, and touring.) Regardless, are you that stuck for something to write about that you sit around and just dream some childish topics up. “Oh geez, what if..” Seriously, come back to reality, grow up and write something worth writing…and have a bit of respect for the artist you are writing about (one of whom had health issues.)

  6. BG   October 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Check your facts before posting something like this..I mean..seriously. if you’re into rock news at all, you would’ve known Eddie almost died from diverticulitis and that’s why they’re not doing anything right now.

    • GM   October 12, 2012 at 10:53 pm

      “Things” happen to life long drug abusers, like divorce, cancer and other ailments.

      • Fudd   October 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

        What is that even supposed to mean?

  7. Kenbo   October 12, 2012 at 11:09 am

    This is total garbage….dates were canceled because Eddie was near death. Not because break up. You have no respect and you haven’t a clue either.

  8. Patrick   October 12, 2012 at 5:03 am

    1. It was 2004, and Sammy left on his own terms because that was the period of time where Eddie was near death and refused to get help.
    2. Roth has been back since 2007. He hasn’t left. The band took an extended vacation after the 2008 tour and spent the majority of 2011 recording the new album.
    3. “2 world tours” weren’t cancelled. The summer US dates will be made up next year, as well as the Japan dates, due to Ed’s surgery.

    • GM   October 12, 2012 at 10:55 pm

      I’ll bet your voting for Romney also

  9. Heisenberg   October 12, 2012 at 3:54 am

    I see you didnt post my comment.

    • GM   October 12, 2012 at 11:07 pm

      Sorry Mr. Heisenberg, we don’t publish profanity. You are entitled to your opinion, however posting it as vulgarities on my website is a no no. Should you want to craft an article rebutting the article in question, with references, I will gladly publish it. Thank you.

      Jim Donahue

      • Jimmy   October 13, 2012 at 4:55 am

        What you do publish are lies and pathetic articles.

      • Fudd   October 13, 2012 at 11:23 am

        I’m leaving a tightly coiled pile in the toilet and wanted to reference it in regards to this article. Whoever the writer is needs to not only do research but clearly needs a psyc eval. Kid rock? I’ve heard it all.

  10. Joe Bob   October 12, 2012 at 2:38 am

    Quite possibly the most clueless article ever written about Van Halen and that’s saying something. Congratulations!


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