Halloween Is Scarier than You Imagined


Halloween is scarier than you imagined this year. We have to make our grisliest statement ever. There’s a deadly desire to pounce on Halloween emblems and prove our supernatural originality to children and hoblits alike. Darkest attractions trim our streets and lanes. Ghouls and skulls are chuckling in front yards and there is much to do in the days ahead. The economy is only just out of the coffin, job certainty has gone with the ghosts and the night of All Hallows is coming this week to a neighborhood near you.

There is the issue of securing a costume. No longer will a white sheet produce a ghost that suffices. Take your witch by the broomstick and consider investing in the most prestigious of statements; The Human Slinky Costume. Available on eBay for a ghoulish one million dollars, there are currently 189 offers placed, perhaps because the rainbow outfit is so fantastic that the rights to perform an accompanying show are included with the price. And there’s even free shipping. 12,000 people were sufficiently intimidated by the spooky price that they’ve turned to the alternative cutting edge costume that is the Siren Gem Tron Legacy Custom Costume. Priced at only $1,700, the creator assures her crowds that “This is the most movie accurate cosplay out there”. And you better believe it, even if shipping is extra.

The next requirement is candy. Stocking up on sugared sweets is a necessity and Americans spend a scary $2.08 billion on Halloween candy each year. You can contribute more easily to this world record by purchasing chocolates from Knipschildt. The unpronounceable name provides mystical value to chocolate truffles that each cost $250. Fritz Knipschildt is a Norwegian chocalatier who has garnered awards and sells his creations from his Chocopologie Café in Connecticut. Reviewers complain the packaging is more special than the contents. Perhaps there is something to be said for jelly beans after all?

Finding a black cat is essential for a nighttime saunter through bedecked streets. Specimen must be entirely black; no white paws allowed. Fear not! You can have a Chocolate Black Doll-Face Teacup Persian Faced male kitten for $850. But there is the more affordable option for free if you like the black fur and long whiskers of the Unique and Awesome Stella, black cat-to-die-for from New York City. Offered for free on craigslist, the owner imagines her to be smart, brave, and bold and have a sweet soul. There’s a fang tooth besides; just perfect for the scariest Halloween ever.

There is only one place to sweep up your personal broom and that requires an online order or a trip to the fresh suburb of Granville Island, Vancouver, Canada. This market town is home of the perfect brooms c/o the Granville Island Broom Co. The store owners know their product, confirming that brooms, “sweep away bad fortune and protect against evil.” Brooms have long been associated with cleaning out bad energy and they may even sweep away scary Halloween spiders and witches, alongside the more commonly found candy wrappers.

Halloween is based on ancient Celtic traditions. There is no obvious reason for its huge popularity but it is now embedded in the event calendar of the year and is idolized by the non religious with gleeful chuckles at scary outfits so cute your kids will value them forever. As homes are decorated to parody a graveyard, the holiday is the perfect antidote to the Christmas season that is just around the corner. The two seasons honor emotions that are far removed from each other. Perhaps the dark energy of Halloween creates a necessary vacuum that helps Americans wade through the nostalgic music and bells of Christmas. And of course there is big bucks spent on both holidays. That can be scarier than you ever imagined.

By Vicky Judah

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