Colorado, Obama and Affluenza Can’t Beat Breasts

colorado, obama, affluenza and breasts

In a week where there are so many stories to choose from – Colorado, Obama, affluenza – it’s breasts which have gotten my attention. Sitting in my warm, comfy living room on a cold and snowy New England Sunday, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of fair trade hot cocoa, I can’t help thinking about them – well not all, just one pair in particular.

Yes, there was another shooting in a Colorado High School on the eve of the Sandy Hook massacre when 18-year-old Karl Pierson walked into Arapahoe High School in Centennial, Colorado and shot two students before killing himself. The student was armed with a legally-bought shotgun, a machete and several incendiary devices, with the intent to cause some disruption in the school day. Sure, it has renewed the whole gun control debate, although it isn’t a case of gun control, but rather one of diagnosing mental disease. It seems Pierson had a minor disagreement with his debating teacher and decided to settle it his way. But, no, this isn’t the story which has most fed my attention.

Nor is it the story about affluenza, a new, although not officially recognized mental disease which was used as a defense in a drunk driving case where a spoiled 16-year-old rich kid, Ethan Couch, killed four people and paralyzed another, was given no jail time. Judge Jean Boyd decided that since this murderer, whose weapon was a car instead of a gun, had never been held responsible for any of his actions up to this point, he would only be sentenced to ten years’ probation and ordered to go to rehab. Oh, and the rehab is in Malibu Beach, California, where his parents will happily shell out $450,000 a year for his umm, rehabilitation. Whether someone who committed the same unspeakable crime without having rich parents would have received the same sentence or would instead by getting comfortable with his new roomie Bubba is unknown and shouldn’t make any difference.  Just remember, this is an example of the new way we raise our kids, where everyone gets a cupcake. Perhaps the parents should go to jail instead? While this is a disturbing and important story, it still is not the one which I have most kept abreast of this week.

I really don’t even care all that much about Barack Obama,  the most narcissistic president we ever have had, having a special moment and showing  just how much he disrespects the office by taking a “selfie” at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela earlier in the week. Yes, Barack couldn’t wait to snap a photo of himself with Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt and British Prime Minister David Cameron while the Queen, I mean First Lady looked on with a scowl on her face which could scare the flies off a bull’s butt. After all, I certainly have come to expect such behavior from the man; and he has yet to disappoint me. Nor would I expect anything less than after such a stressful week that he would be forced to take another Hawaiian vacation; after all, it isn’t his money. Nope, even though this story was milked to the limit, and even involved breasts,  it still wasn’t the one I have obsessed over.

No, I can’t lie, being a mostly normal, red-blooded American man, I have been thinking about Gisele Bündchen’s breasts. Yes, it’s true; Gisele sent out an Instagram of her getting attended to by a bevy of hair stylists and manicurists while at the same time breast feeding her and Mr. Bündchen’s (aka New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady) little girl. It seems many took offense to this picture and the accompanying caption allegedly purporting just how hard life is for Gisele and how she needs to multitask. Working mothers everywhere vented their outrage at this blatant “in your face” remark from Gisele, who just got in from a 13 hour plane ride, traveling from one shoot to another. What I find interesting – well, other than the obvious – is how the same people who are complaining about this picture are the same who criticize those who complain about normal, everyday, non-supermodel type women baring their nutrition-dispensing devices in public. It is time we nip this in the bud.

When there is a choice between Colorado, Obama, affluenza and breasts, the breasts will win every time.

Satire/Commentary by Paul Roy


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