Retail Dating Advice: Get the Galaxy Gear, Get the Girl

 retail sales of the galaxy gear are strong

Retail sales of Samsung’s Galaxy Note 3 and it’s accessory, the Galaxy Gear smart watch were preceded by a heavy marketing campaign to make sure that consumer anticipation  was at a fever pitch before it hit retailers October 3rd. Rounding out their pre-release hype, Samsung has released their latest two-minute-thirty-one-second ad that emphasizes the social advantage of actually owning one of their high-tech time pieces via some solid dating advice, which is—apparently—get the Galaxy Gear, get the girl.

Unfortunately, as is often the case with tech-industry retail marketing, their “Are you geared up?” production ends up as socially awkward as the sci-fi watch is progressive.

Watching the drama unfold, viewers can almost imagine that the entire cast—let’s call them Suavé, Lady-Friend, and Doorknob—are in fact Samsung engineers on a work release program. They have been allowed outdoors in celebration of completing the Galaxy Gear micro-spy-camera-2-way-radio way before it’s time. Let’s hit the slopes!

Ok, so here’s where we meet our young and attractive—no, not you Doorknob—tech savvy citizens of the Samsung Group’s caricature of a modern world, and they’re heading up the mountain on a ski lift. The plot? The two guys are competing for the affections of Lady-Friend, but the field isn’t even. That Suavé is a dirty cheater; he owns a Galaxy Note 3 and the Galaxy Gear!

The raw pheromone-laced attraction that comes with every smart-watch purchase—along with a complimentary bottle of lilac-scented hand sanitizer—is so overwhelming to his romantic mark that she’s lucky her snow-pants aren’t blown completely off at the first exposure to his smartphone accessory. Compressing the script into something that can be read in less time than it takes to watch the video would be a public service, so consider yourself served.

External Ski lift – Day

Three would-be skiers sit next to one another in the ski lift, LADY-FRIEND, aloof, sits in the middle.

DOORKNOB: (smiling so hard at lady friend. It takes exactly this long to realize that his mom nailed his birth name.)

SUAVÉ: (his smart watch vibrates. He answers it with the smoothness of a thousand incarnations of Antonio Banderas.)

SUAVÉ: “Oh, hey.”

(looks at LADY-FRIEND and smiles. She cannot resist this man with the ambiguous accent. He’s talking into his watch for crying out loud—his arm held before him poised in stiff repose. Swooning happens.)

TALKING WATCH GUY: “How’s it goin’ over there man?”

SUAVÉ: “Eets incredibul.”

(LADY-FRIEND ignores DOORKNOB’s inept advances because, FLIPPIN’ WOO! Sexy science!)

TALKING WATCH GUY: “I’m so jealous, have fun!”

SUAVÉ: (still inexplicably holding arm in the waiter-with-a-wipey-towel pose, makes eye contact with LADY-FRIEND)

SUAVÉ: “Wanna see soNething cool?”

LADY-FRIEND: “Uh, yeah sure.”

SUAVÉ: (only by the force of his iron will does he continue holding his forearm horizontal so that LF can speak into his Galaxy Gear™ Booyah!)

“Here, gimme your number. Jus’ say it.”

JUST SAY IT! I’ve read the script, YOU. ARE. MINE.

LADY-FRIEND: (thinks about the consequences of giving her number to the stranger with the dead, dead eyes—oops talking watch!)

“Um, ookaaay,” insert coy smile—“it’s 543-677.”

DOORKNOB: (fumbles with everything. Drops phone from 100 feet in a rush to snipe the six-digit number being recited before his pathetic and yearning ears. He also drops his skis somehow*cough site-gag cough*)

SUAVÉ: “Call.”

DOORKNOB: “Oh my God!”

LADY-FRIEND: (Smart phone vibrates. With LOVE. She is actually surprised. She answers it. who could it be?)


SUAVÉ: “Hey Pree lady.”

LADY-FRIEND: “Oh, hi!”

Whoa! It’s you—sitting right here next to me—and we’re talking to each other! With your sultry-sassy-seduction watch you are such man-meat right now!

(LADY-FRIEND and SUAVÉ begin to smile like they’re both getting dental x-rays. They continue their phone conversation from 6 inches away until he gets her name. It’s Amy. He’s Jack. *crickets*)

From here it just gets more-bad. Doorknob never gets to ski, but he does pout like a champ, and by the end of the two-plus minutes everybody is convinced he has a neurological disorder because he drops everything he touches, including his dignity.

Amy hits the slopes on her snowboard—pants somehow still intact—and does some mad-sick tricks. There’s this one where she hits a mogul and jumps and stuff and the word “rad” is subliminally communicated with the subsonic effect of a Yanni-Kenny G collaboration.

Jack does what comes naturally to any player with the power of the Galaxy Gear. He follows her without her knowledge and snaps picture after picture of her pretty face. Videos happen also. This watch is dope. Also, he’s a creep.

Amy comes to a stop half way down the run. Jack boards so close to her that it startles her and she says, “Oh, hey Jack!”

(Awkward pause while Jack remembers what he is supposed to say)

“Check—this out,” he says, and then again with the Dracula arm—

Oh just forget it. There is too much going on at this point of the ad, and there’s still the accidental lodge party, the Galaxy Gear wine consultation, and Amy’s pronouncement that this—this, Jack—was the perfect day *wink-smile Galaxy Gear fist-pump*. Just stand by some tracks and watch this train wreck play out for yourself.

This could be premature, too judgmental, or just plain bad attitude, but what does Samsung Group want people to take away from this? Based on the “Are you geared up?” retail ad by the gigantic technology super-corporation, Girlfriends are the result of proper care and use of the Samsung Galaxy Note 3’s companion voyeur-cam. So do what you’re told. Take the Samsung Group’s retail dating advice. Get the Galaxy Gear, Get the Girl.

Don’t be a doorknob.

Editorial By Matt Darjany



The Verge

Unleash the Phones

2 Responses to "Retail Dating Advice: Get the Galaxy Gear, Get the Girl"

  1. Drake   December 23, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Samsung really just needs to stop spending so much time and money into a truly subpar product and reinvest that time and money into making it better

  2. gearistrash   December 23, 2013 at 5:34 am

    the gear is junk. can’t hold a charge longer than a day, get it wet and it is dead.

    Samsung needs to work with Timex to learn how to make good watches.

    Give it three more revisions. Version 4 might be useful.

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