A federal court sentenced best-selling author and late night infomercial personality Kevin Trudeau, to 10 years in prison. The writer was convicted of conning trusting consumers into buying conspiracy-based books such as Free Money “They” Don’t Want You to Know About. The convicted former author was indignant toward the ruling, stating that people should be aware of the conspiracy against them. “What the government does not want people to know is that they are being manipulated” the 50 year-old Trudeau told the court. During the trial, Kevin Trudeau accused the FBI of conspiracy; having pop star Justin Bieber record songs that encourage people to stop thinking and “listen to junk.” He told the jury that people should instead listen to truth being told by him and other solid sources; he referred to conspiracy theorists Alex Jones and David Icke as legitimate authorities.
According to Trudeau, Bieber had reached a covert arrangement with the FBI, following an investigation by Richmond, B.C. authorities. In 2010, the teen idol was accused of punching a 12 year-old in the face. When questioned how the FBI, the federal police service of the United States, could investigate a crime alleged to have happened in Canada, the author replied such is the power of the U.S. government; he stated that his upcoming book Conspiracy Theories “Smart People” Don’t Want You to Know About would discuss his thoughts in detail. Trudeau later commented to a reporter “I have to admit I kind of wish Justin would lay into me, you know? He’s kinda’ hot, isn’t he?”
When the prosecuting attorney asked how he can make such a ridiculous claim, the famous author and businessperson stated that he had proof. However, Bieber conspiring with the FBI, told an adoring teenage groupie to seduce Trudeau. According to the accused, the intent was to steal the damning documentation which the conspiracy theorist had written on a roll of toilet paper. When the court asked how this happened, the former writer responded that the Bieber fan came to his house under the pretense of interviewing him about how to become a pop star like Bieber. Trudeau relayed a conversation where he told the youngster that he would soon release a book entitled Teenage Stalking Secrets “Normal People” Don’t Want You to Know About. In the book he’d advise on how to become a well paid celebrity impersonator, including details on how to steal a teenage pop star’s underwear. According to testimony, the teenager suddenly claimed to feel very nauseous. He ran to the bathroom, where he “made a bunch of splattering noises, and used up all my toilet paper” according to the former late night television personality. Authorities report having been unable to contact the person Trudeau accused of theft during the trial. The writer suspected the underage informant was hiding out in a local porn shop, having gotten the job as a favor from the FBI.
When asked if Kevin Trudeau believed that anyone else, other than Justin Bieber, might be involved in the obvious conspiracy against him, the former writer mentioned Matthew Lesko as a person of interest. Lesko, like Trudeau, is a writer of controversial books, including on how to “find money.” Lesko titles include 1001 Free Goodies and Cheapies. When the prosecutor remarked that Lesko and he were often compared to one another, the defendant responded with indignation. “Look at that ‘Riddler’ outfit he wears; criminals always wear ‘Bad Guy’ outfits! How can you compare me to that?!”
When asked if he plans to appeal the conviction, the author responded that he would, again accusing the court of conspiracy. However, during an interview following the trial, the former late-night infomercial guru was seen wearing jeans pulled halfway down his backside, and a baseball cap turned to the back and side. When asked why the change, he replied that Bieber offered him a place in his “boy band” in exchange for royalties from Trudeau’s upcoming work Cellmate Secrets “No One” Wants You to Know About, but Really They’re Dying to Know.
Satire by Ian Erickson
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