Lindsay Lohan Secret Holiday Wish List (Satire)



As the world might appear to be going ballistic as a result of the recently revealed sexual conquest list, a source close to Lindsay Lohan has revealed a secret Holiday wish list, drafted by the starlet. Many spectators of the ongoing phenomena, loosely labeled “Lindsay’s Lists,” might be wondering what comes next: A grocery list and a laundry list have been mentioned, yet not confirmed. An expert said that a to-do list would be highly unlikely as the stormy celebrity couldn’t even do one thing; rehab. The expert was met with harsh critique from fans for that remark.

Another expert, who received death threats earlier this month following a statement suggesting that Justin Bieber should be shipped back to Canada with a pair of dirty underpants on his head, dared to open up about the topic, in spite of what he claims to be a dangerous time for Entertainment Analysts in Hollywood. The man suggested the wish list was made to be leaked as no one who actually knew the starlet in person would be likely to achieve the outrageous wishes that are rumored to be on it.

It takes a raging passionate fan to fulfill those demands. No one in their right mind would ever bring four elephants, six power generators and a king size water-bed into a bakery in Greenland, yet alone kidnap Stephen Colbert and fly him over there too from his refuge in Hawaii. And that is just the smallest wish.

When asked to go into detail about what those things were for and why Greenland, the expert’s face turned pale as he stuttered up the words “no comment.” Seemingly, there are several details in the secret life of Lindsey Lohan that unlike that of Walter Mitty, should not be made into a movie. An anonymous friend of the starlet said she obviously needed help:

She can’t possibly deal with all of this by herself. She has hired professional Hollywood gold diggers to mine for Bitcoin in the mountains of Alaska, but they’re not finding anything yet. It’s been months. She’s gone broke and she’s basically reaching out to devout fans who’ve had the privilege of admiring her cleavage on camera for years.

The expert had an answer to that statement:

Some might consider the cleavage a small donation compared to what Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Nicole Scherzinger among countless others, have given off of themselves, but others might run out and do it. There are no limits to the absurdities that brainwashed fans will do nowadays. A girl lit her parents’ house on fire to object the accusations against Justin Bieber, hoping it would get her his attention. But everyone knows that Bieber doesn’t watch the news.

Among other requests on the alleged list is a romantic weekend trip to Mars on board Air Force One, but Lohan would not take no for an answer when NASA tried to argue why that is impossible, and why they have no jurisdiction over that air craft. North Korea is reported to have offered to grant that wish already, as Kim Jong-Un struggles to get recognition and make friends in the West, having already reached out to other celebrities.

Vladimir Putin has also been reported to have considered to grant a wish on the list, given that Lohan plays the lead in a government-funded historical epic movie about how Crimea always belonged to Russia and how the Ukraine has been infiltrated by a secret society led by Sir Elton John aiming to turn the whole world gay.

Many have noted that there is still quite a bit of year left till the Holiday season kicks in, but according to the anonymous friend, Lindsay Lohan wants to have Christmas all year round, further adding that the secret wish list is only the first of many lists to come from the starlet.

Satire by Halldor Fannar Sigurgeirsson


The Wire

One Response to "Lindsay Lohan Secret Holiday Wish List (Satire)"

  1. Give   March 29, 2014 at 8:09 am

    It’s no surprise that some coked up airhead can’t understand the core concept of Bitcoin. Go mine yourself a life Miley, you washed up hag.


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