One moment they were enjoying a delectable meal together, the next they were flying high on LSD. Not a typical weeknight dinner it turned out for a Tampa, Florida family this week, who after digesting a bottom round steak from Walmart began feeling unsettling psychedelic sensations. The strange affliction was noticed by Ronnie Morales first, who promptly asked Jessica Rosado, his nine months pregnant girlfriend, to escort him to the local emergency room. Once there, Jessica and her two daughters soon fell victim to similar hallucinatory symptoms, forcing doctors to hospitalize the entire family and induce delivery for Jessica’s potentially at risk unborn child. After diagnostic testing was completed it was clear: this unsuspecting family had been sent to the hospital by meat drugged with LSD.
The newborn baby boy was luckily delivered healthy and the family was eventually released in good, if not perhaps euphoric, spirits. Presently, they have not yet released a statement illuminating the intriguing details of their “trip,” or divulged any plans to take legal recourse against Walmart. It is up to Tampa Police now to solve the bizarre mystery. The remaining meat in the store has been shipped off for testing and the security camera footage is being screened; no tender t-bone it seems will be left unturned.
In a preservative statement to the public Walmart expressed great disturbance over the issue, claiming their supplier had not received any coinciding reports. They went on to admit no comprehension as to how the mind-bending meat had been tampered with in the first place, and whether or not the alteration had occurred before or after purchase. With diligent interrogation and the eager to recoup assistance of Walmart, all be it absolutely clueless, the Tampa Police may just yet capture the diabolical caper and solve the great Acid Steak Enigma. The world wants to know: who drugged this infamous meat with LSD, sending an unsuspecting, steak loving family to nearby St. Joseph’s Hospital?
It is bad enough that recent studies have been published calling a diet rich on meats and cheese as detrimental to your health as cigarettes. On top of that apparently, one must now be weary of unknowingly consuming psychotropic drugs in their meals as well. Beef it seems is an incorrigible culprit never too far from scandal and scrutiny. From Mad Cow Disease, to Salmonella, to E Coli., to Heart Disease, to high cholesterol, to Prostate Cancer, to now hallucinogenic drugs, the king of protein cannot seem to catch a break. This newest, and maybe strangest, debacle is just another item on an expansive list of reasons to ardently avoid red meat all together.
The Morales/Rosado family will in all likelihood be trying the vegetarian lifestyle on for size for the time being, or at least a steak free diet. And this outrageous experience perhaps brought them all closer together. The family that trips together stays together after all. In the end everyone survived, despite being understandably exhausted. The Tampa police are currently hard at work to protect the helpless public from another unsolicited LSD dosing, but no one will soon forget the drugged up meat that sent the unsuspecting family into a surreal nightmare and soon after the hospital.
By Brandon Duringer