John Kerry Ponders, Who Can I Bring Back From Dead to Talk Sense (Satire)

John Kerry

 Following a raft of bizarre reports including manipulations hit the world of the Ukraine-addicted, a new ripple developed.  John Kerry is apparently pondering Apocalypse, praying and asking St. Peter, “Whom can we bring back from the dead to talk sense to him?”  The him referred to was not the Heavenly Father, but another powerful figure at the center of consternation since he and his buddies skimmed $25 billion dollars from the Sochi Olympics and then started a military invasion to hide it.

A national wit was said to have a new spin on an old joke: “What’s the difference between the Almighty Father and Vladimir Putin? The answer: God doesn’t think his initials are V.P.”  This provoked some complex emotions for pundits who have sat around in recent weeks, watching new forms of millennial spectacle and massive displays of cyber power without too much bloodshed.   Some laughed hysterically at first, though some turned from hysterical laughter to sobbing and hair-tearing.  In another room, a groups of laptops flipped open and social media caught fire with the joke.  The exact origin is disputed.  Like many similar epic moments of pathetic and painful recognition, “Aha” moments of a tragic sort, this came out of shooting the Sh**.  The adolescent humor of many boys, not to be presumed superior at all to the back-of-the-bus brilliance of comparable girls produces moments of scintillating collaborative wit.

A nervous man in a Washington, D.C. bar frequented by literati and political wonks was sweating, his hair standing up from repeated pulling.  He claimed this was his joke and that he had it under copyright.  “I need this,” he cried. “This is my big break.  It’s my best material.  I’ll bomb.”  Other listeners tried to calm him, but there were many similarly distraught for other reason.

In that same bar, John Kerry pulled up to a piece of soapstone 50 feet long, and told the server that he was pondering, “Who Can I Bring Back from Dead to Talk Sense to Him?”  Immediately a list began to emerge.  Envoys and secret back-channel types have been racking their brains for a figure with the calm strength to make the guy back down.  “Let’s not have it get to the F-22’s and B-2’s,” Kerry begged.  Soon a bunch of drunks were adding their suggestions.  Thomas Jefferson could do it, maybe with Andrew Jackson riding shotgun.  Harry “Won’t You Please Come Home” Truman earned some favor.  President Obama had apparently not approved this ad hoc line of diplomacy, but took to it.  Maybe we could all use a few moments of pondering things bigger than we are, he reportedly said.

From then on things got theological.  Those sensitive to the workings of the divine, argued for whether Mohammed and Moses could actually ride a Vespa through Moscow and disarm the Kremlin through spectacle.  “Moses could do it, definitely,” according to a State Department insider.  “He would swing that snake-rod thing like Gandalf and the Balrog would curl up like a puppy with paws in the air.”  Others suggested a woman, Eleanor Roosevelt or Harriet Tubman might have the stature.  “The time of prayer is not over, it’s just beginning,” a resolute woman said.  We know John Kerry is asking the right theological question: “Who Can I Bring Back from Dead to Talk Sense to Him?”

Satire by Lawrence Shapiro

CBS News


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