Zombie Author Consults Military, Starbucks Regrets ‘Devil Cups’ (Satire)


Two key stories today suggest that things may be stranger than many grasped, in this moment of military tension and broadened health care accessibility.  Today, on the same day that author of the zombie apocalypse movie World War Z,  Matthew Michael Carnahan confirmed on NPR’s Fresh Air, that he has consulted with the Naval War College, Starbucks said it regrets a school teacher receiving a “Devil Cup” with demonic symbols drawn with caramel on a layer of foam. In an incident first revealed on Facebook, a school teacher from Tennessee was alarmed, and then complained to Starbucks corporate offices, after she received a foamy drink that allegedly had demonic symbols written in caramel. Starbucks was embarrassed by the incident, and suggested that sensitivity was important for baristas, and would be emphasized in future employee briefings.

Starbucks was meanwhile unable to comment on the status of its own Zombie Incident Preparedness (ZIP) training and any potential applicability to future Cold War or disaster preparedness policies. Experts suggest that many corporations have not yet established appropriate ZIP programs, as recommended today by zombie author Carnahan. Carnahan revealed that he has often consulted to US military officials.  After consultation with experts from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, who agree that zombie preparedness provides valuable insights into all kinds of disaster preparedness, the military has begun its own program.  Carnahan has spoken at the Naval War College, where the culture of zombie preparedness has become virtually a cult.

Spokespersons from the Department of Defense, Starbucks and NPR were unwilling to comment on any connections between the revelation that zombie author Carnahan consults with the military and the Starbucks ‘Devil Cups’ incident, which it now regrets so much. Some theorists have suggested that some Starbucks employees are zombies, a claim that Starbucks has been unable to refute. Starbucks hires receive adequate screening through the ZIP program, though officials would not reveal details. Public relations and human resources firms agree that both adequate zombie preparedness and the appearance of zombie preparedness are critical to maintain the public trust.

Both in the military, now in a state of alert, and among Homeland Security officials, many are concerned about infiltration of Russian zombie agents. Keeping an eye out for signs of demonic, Russian and zombie infiltration into news media, education and banking is easier with social media enabling localized and geo-tagged reports of suspicious incidents. McAfee has released a Beta version of its Zombie Malware software for testing among computer science departments at select universities, including the University of Toronto, and for Google employees.

Morgan Marquis-Boire, from Toronto who examined malware deployed by government hackers in Vietnam against political dissidents, denied that there was any special risk from Vietnamese government dirty tricks campaigns that contract zombie Black-Ops agents. The Vietnamese government has carried out hacking campaigns against the New York Times and Washington Post, but Marquis-Boire was skeptical of zombie involvement, though he did say: “I wouldn’t put it past them.”

Some considered it merely coincidence, that zombie author Carnahan revealed that he consults with the military, on the same day as Starbucks’s statement that it regrets the ‘Devil Cups’ incident. Commentators suggested that education campaigns for disaster preparedness — zombie, alien, Russian, or natural– did not have to follow conventional techniques. Sporting goods stores have been selling anti-zombie ammunition for years, and allegedly the zombie attack index in Idaho has failed to increase for four straight years. Starbucks, far from hiring zombies without work permits, allegedly has a plan to increase its zombie antibody screening. Customers can expect to be able to receive an anti-zombie cheek swab test within the next few months. As Carnahan suggested, zombie preparedness helps with all disaster preparedness as people recognize the need for a plan. He pointed out that in the event of a zombie attack, most would die without ever seeing a zombie from thirst, starvation and health reasons. Carnahan denied suggestions that the military was following through with a reported plan to purchase commercial anti-zombie ammo, since the Marines already have it.

Satire by Lawrence Shapiro

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