Out of the Closet With Caitlyn Jenner: Species Re-Assignment Surgery [Satire]

Don't like to read?

Caitlyn Jenner

With the joyous news that Bruce Jenner, macho-man gold medalist of the 1976 Olympic Decathlon, has turned him/herself into Caitlyn Jenner this week, I thought it was the ideal time to come out of my own closet with my own species re-assignment surgery. The move from male to female was clearly difficult for Jenner, what with society demanding that people be what nature, by all appearances, intended them to be. Who would have thought that a seemingly macho man like Bruce Jenner, robust and handsome with a full contingent of male genitalia and relatively normal levels of testosterone, was not, in fact, male.

As it turns out, spokespeople for the transgender community, which makes up roughly .3 to .5 percent of the U.S. population, claim that despite what nature appears to be saying, gender is entirely less a physical and chemical phenomenon than a mental one. In that spirit and armed with this wonderful and enlightening news, I have decided to let the world know that from the time I was about five years old, I have felt not just a kinship with frogs, but I have felt deeply that I am one of them.

I recall many a time where I would sit up at night on the back porch, squatting as we frogs do, with my knees high next to my ears, waiting patiently for the next fly to happen by. The occasional ribbit and frog-song (as I call it), would pass my lips as I became one with the sounds of the crickets. I have never felt comfortable with bathrooms and such and have always felt quite at home relieving myself wherever I may find myself planted.

In honor of Caitlyn Jenner, as I take the fateful step out of the closet with species re-assignment surgery, I would like to be known as Ribbit McFroggy. I trust that the same rules that apply to the transgender Caitlyn Jennercommunity will apply to myself as the physiologic presentiments of my human-appearing body do not dictate who and what I am.

At the risk of appearing less than humble, my rather robust frogified scent actually stimulates female frogs that happen by. Despite their arousal, I have felt embarrassed by my response in kind and, because of fear of those who might not understand, I have failed to take advantage of what happiness might naturally occur in a frog-on-frog relationship. Indeed, while nature appears to be telling the world that I am this wonderful, adorable man, I am actually a simple and extraordinarily humble country frog. And like Caitlyn Jenner, I declare to the world that I represent the “new normal” and anyone who suggests otherwise is animal-phobic and should be ashamed.

Part of the reason I chose not to come out earlier was that, like Caitlyn Jenner, I was afraid of what the Christian/religious and conservative right would say about me. Their general bigoted approach to the LGBT community has been difficult to endure. Many of these same elements have been at the forefront of opposition to lesbian and gay marriage. Seeing Caitlyn’s courage in the face of possible persecution and bullying has given me courage. Following Caitlyn’s lead, I somehow feel liberated and free in a way and manner that is indescribable.

The next step for me will be to procure a physician capable of performing the proposed reconstructive surgery. First, like Caitlyn Jenner, I will undergo facial reconstruction surgery. Then will come the appendages, then skin texture and color as well as odor-enhancing work on my sudoriferous  glands. Indeed, while Caitlyn Jenner was feminized, I hope to secure a surgeon who can froggify me. I am sure that this will be a challenging surgery – one that will involve an exciting and new approach to reconstructive surgical technology. While Caitlyn Jenner is facing gender reassignment surgery, I am facing something much more problematic – species-reassignment surgery. I am afraid but committed at the same time.

Caitlyn JennerJust as Caitlyn Jenner can expect that political correctness will pressure those who might take umbrage at her change, my hope and expectation is that I will be afforded the same courtesy or the courts will hear about it. Yes, like Caitlyn Jenner before me, I am out of the closet, and with species-reassignment surgery in my near future, I look forward to a happy and authentic life ribbiting and eating flies in my backyard. Also, I must say, I am most excited about the prospects of getting to know Frogginna, the female frog from the pond nearby. She is one smokin’ hot babe.

Satire by Matthew R. Fellows

Top Photo Courtesy of Yamanaka Tamaki’s Flickr Page – Creative Commons License
Mid-Text Photo Courtesy of Tilly441’s Flickr Page – Creative Commons License
Bottom Photo Courtesy of Chris’ Flickr Page – Creative Commons License